Mommy Brain

A couple of weeks ago DH and I ventured out for dinner with the boys by ourselves. We had never done this before because its so chaoitc. We went to a buffet style restaurant so there wouldnt be mutiny at the table. No one really noticed us, which was fine by me. The boys were eating and DH was on one of a million trips to the buffet, to fetch grapes that Ollie later threw up on the floor, when a lady came up to us and started asking if the boys were triplets. I had a mouth full of food and nodded my head and smiled. She then proceeded to tell me that she was an identical twin. Me, being the Mommy brain idiot, asked if she had a sister or a brother!!! OMG I couldnt believe that came out of my mouth. She looked at me like I was a nut. I dont blame her, I just wasnt thinking. Now I understand why people ask silly questions, they must be suffering from Mommy brain like me. :)

Big Boy

The cold that the boys have is still here. Poor Ollie has to have breathing treatments to help his lungs. I dont like that he has to have them but I know that they help. When the boys first came home from the NICU they all had to have breathing treatments twice a day. It was crazy. Luckily, Ollie is the only one who needs them now and just when he has a cold. Yesterday, much to my surprise, Ollie sat by himself while receiving the treatment. He's come a long way from ripping the mask off his face every chance he got just a year ago. I am so proud of my big boy!!

Boys on Halloween

Oliver

The little devil wouldnt wear his horns but his brothers would!

Ian

Spencer

The boys were sick but tried to make the best of it. As you can see Ollie wasnt really cooperating so I think his costume was perfect.

Round one

I had the epidural steroid injection this morning. It was kinda weird that I wasnt nervous. I just wanted to get it done. The pain doc, Dr. L, was kinda grumpy but was professional to me, just not his staff. I did get a little scared when the fluoroscopy machine kept turning off and the radiology tech couldnt fix it, so then Dr. L couldnt see where he was injecting. But all in all I was relaxed and ready to get this first one over with. My right leg went numb, which was a welcome relief because its been hurting non stop for more than 6 weeks. I am a little sore at the injection site but I feel pretty good. Next injection is on Wednesday. I really hopes this takes care of the pain.

New pics, Rapman & NIN

Spencer

Ian

Oliver

A week ago I went to see one of my favorite bands, Nine Inch Nails, play live. It was an amazing show. The lights, the music, the drunk people, it was great. I also took Colleen, who is 16, along. She got to go see NIN the day I was implanted with the boys back in October 2005. I had planned on going but didnt want to chance anything, so I stayed home. DH took her and when NIN hit the stage DH called me and I listened to the concert via cell phone. It was good but I still wanted to be there. Colleen is my surrogate little sister. She is one of the kids that I used to nanny for. She was 6 months old when I met her and has really turned into a beautiful young woman. And I was thrilled that I could turn her onto a lot of new wave and alternative music, especially NIN. She had a great time at the concert and so did I. We had general admission tickets and me being older and less tolerant of shenagians I was worried. I told her that we had to stay toward the back because people get kinda crazy when you get closer to the stage. I wasnt worried about me, it was more about protecting her from the drunk ass idiots up there. Well I guess there can be drunk ass idiots everywhere and we were right behind Hindu arms girl and her boyfriend who thought that he was at a rap concert. Rapman was very annoying and verrry drunk. He kept talking and then would loose his balance and then fall back on Colleen. It drove us both crazy. I decided to fight back and when he came back toward us, I just pushed him back. Once he slipped and fell on the floor and I secrectly wished he would have hurt his leg and then would be hauled off, but that didnt happen. A friend of his was close to him and saw what was going on and he came over to help. He kept staring at Colleen the red headed beauty and he protected her for most of rest of the night.

The boys like NIN as well. If we are in the car and they start fighting all I have to do is put on some Nails and they get really quiet and are content. NIN was one of the first concerts that they went to while in utero. I went to see U2 at 8 weeks pregnant. Since I had missed NIN in St. Louis, they were doing a college tour in February and were in Champaign so I got tickets. Now those were very good seats, 7th row center. It was very active in my belly that night. I was hugely pregnant at 21 weeks but that didnt stop me from having a good time.

I got the call at 5:10am this morning. DH arrived in CA but at a totally different airport than where he was supposed to be. Things were all messed up with his hotel and the car rental but when he called he was in his hotel. He sounded exhausted. I know I was. I called him around 12:50am to tell him that i was going to bed and he was still in Denver and had been rerouted to Oakland, and that plane was over 3 hours late. I was just glad that he was at his destination and the plane landed without incident. I know he is tired. I am tired from worrying about him.

The boys are doing good, although they all have colds right now. I am the only one who is healthy. Wait I shouldnt have said that. I will probably be next. :)

Friday is my first epidural steroid injection in my back. I am glad that it is finally going to happen and hope that it helps with the back pain.

Connecting in Denver

What is it with the flights from St. Louis to Denver? Everytime DH and I go through that lovely airport something gets messed up and we end up staying in the Mile High City for a night. Tonight DH is on his way to Silicone Valley in California for training for his new job. He took the latest flight he could so he could hang out with me and the dudes. He leaves at the scheduled time and then when I was coming in front putting out the trash he was on the phone. I asked him why he wasnt in the air and he said that he was on his way to Denver but the plane was leaking fuel and they had to return to STL. Thank God they noticed the fuel leak and came back safe and sound. Now the real problem is that he just barely missed his connecting flight in Denver. That flight was running late itself but had already departed the gate before his plane got to its gate. SHIT!! Now I dont know all of this for sure, I am just checking the handy dandy flight status checker on United.com. I sure hope that some how that plane heading to San Jose waited for him and that the flight checker is wrong. He is so tired and has a lovely cold that the boys also have. I am the only one who doesnt have it.....YET. I hope he doesnt have to stay in Denver for the night.

Restriction

There is one thing that I have done throughout my life, when someone tells me what I cant do, I do it anyway. Today was no exception. I have been having back pain lately. Some very serious back pain that I have never felt before. I always chocked up the back pain as something to do with endometriosis, and I had been told that as well by several doctors. This started a few weeks ago. I had just been cleared by my gyn to go back to yoga class and I had no restrictions at all, even when lifting up the boys. I was all excited cause I needed a relaxing night at yoga class. Two days later I had some wicked pain in my lower back. The next day the boys went for their 2 year check up, 3 months late, better late than never I suppose. Anyway in the office I went to pick up one of them and my back spasmed. I had not ever had a back spasm before. I thought little about it at the time but that evening it got worse. So I went to an urgent care place to have someone check it out and give me some muscle relaxers. X-rays were taken and the doc told me that I have probable spinal stenosis and sciatica. Fine, whatever, just give me something to stop the spasms. Two days later it wasnt any better. I called my doctor. He sent me for a CT and physical therapy. CT came back with mild spinal stenosis and bulging discs. Oh joy!! I thougth I was done with this pain thing. I am now being referred to a pain specialist for some epidural steroid shots. I just want this to pain to stop going down my leg!!

After having the hysterectomy done in June, I took a lot of crap from the MIL. I wasnt supposed to do this, or that. But she didnt know what my restrictions were, she just wanted to boss me around like usual. I took it, I was weak and recovering. After 4 weeks of her being in my house and taking care of the boys I couldnt take it anymore and I lied and said I had no restrictions. I wasnt supposed to be picking up the boys but I knew that if she spent one more day in my house that something bad would happen. She had to go. The first morning that she didnt come, Ian was sitting in the window waiting for her. He turned to me and said, "Gahma come?" I said that she wasnt coming today and he turned to me and clapped his hands and said "YAY!!" So I know it wasnt just me that needed a break from her. So fast forward to today. She has no idea what my restrictions are or even if I have any. DH and I went to see Batman and went shopping. We had lots of stuff in the car and I brought some in and she told me that I should sit down and that I shouldnt be carrying anything. Ok, fine, you might want to say, "ahhhh that was really sweet". Stop right there! It wasnt a sweet moment. It was her trying to tell me what I can and cant do. So I turned around and went out to my car and grabbed the bulk toliet paper pack, batteries, and anything else I could get my hands on and brought it into the house. DH knows not to tell me what I can do, he just lets me decide and when I tell him I cant bend over one more time, he believes me and takes care of it. Why does she think she is in charge of everything in my life? You would think that she would get tired of trying to boss me around when I do what I want anyway. Man that woman makes me nuts.

P.S. My only restriction is not to inflict bodily harm upon her. :)

Popsicle

Summer Fun

I've been a good girl

I dont know if its all the pain meds that I have been on latley but last night I had a nightmare about losing one of the boys. IT was so scary. I woke up with tears in my eyes and visibly shaken. The dream ended at the point when we finally found him. I was so upset and freaked out. Poor Ian, he had to be snuggled all day and night today. I have never had a bad dream about one of the dudes so this was really scary. I think I might be sleeping too much! :) Well at least I am supposed to lay down during the day and rest so I can recover from surgery. Today I started watching the last season of the FX show "Rescue Me" Its a great show and I wactched 3 episodes this afternoon, and cant wait for the mail to show up tomorrow and I get the next disc from Netflix.

I seem to be healing pretty well. I go for a follow-up on Friday with Dr. Mc Closkey. I think she will be very proud of me for doing what she told me to do and rest. Most importantly not to pick up the boys, which has been really hard on them and me. But I am following instructions with the hope that I will get some of my restrictions lifted. God knows I gotta get my driving privledges back. I dont feel stir crazy but would just like to get out by myself and do something I want to do. I want to go have a pedicure done so I was thinking of asking a friend to see if she wants one and then she could drive me. :) So Julia, if you are reading this, do you wanna go get a pedi anytime soon?? :) My toes are in need of some tlc. DH did his best by painting them but its just not the same. :)

Please take my poll. I am curious what people think and what they have done. If you have a strong opinion on what I should do please leave me a comment in the comments section. Or you can email me with your thoughts. 3goodeggs at gmail dot com.

The first one

So it happened, just as my doc had predicted 7 days post op. The dreaded hot flash. It wasnt pleasant. I'm not complaining, I just turned the ceiling fan on high and turned down the a/c to 50 below zero, and I was fine. I thought about getting the boys winter coats out for them but they survived. After a while it was very cold in here. I turned the a/c back up to an inhabitable level and everything is now fine. The icicles have melted and its now longer like living in the polar regions. It's gonna be a cold, cold summer here in the Midwest!!

Dear Chris

Dear Chris,

As you already know I had surgery on Monday. You know, the one that you told me to have almost 14 years ago. I had planned on you being there to do the honors, but you left this earth way too soon. But I know that you were there in spirit. I could feel you the night before while I was lying sleepless on my bed. I think you were rubbing my back and trying to let me know that it would be ok. I also felt your presence when I arrived at the hospital. I felt you sitting on my bed watching over the nurses who were getting me prepared for surgery. I know you were there. It was so comforting. As I was being wheeled down to the surgery suite, I didn't feel you. I got scared and thought that maybe I had made the wrong decision. I arrived in the room and you were definitely there waiting for me. You were the last thing that I thought of before I was off to sleep. I was hoping that your replacements could fill your shoes and have the same skilled hands that you had when it came to cleaning out my endo. I woke up about 4 hours later in the recovery room and I was hurting. I was also terrified that I had a laporotomy to remove my uterus and ovary. I saw my doc approach and she was smiling. When she got close enough I could hear her say, "I have very good news for you." I tried to smile but the pain was too great. She went on to say, " you have 4 holes in your belly and a few stitches in your vagina. You know what that means?" I just smiled and said to her in my rough raspy voice, "I LOVE YOU!!" I knew right then and there that you were there guiding the two surgeons hands and that you didn't let the 2nd year resident make too many mistakes when he got his chance to remove some adhesions. I was so happy, in pain but very happy. I could also tell you were around when I was alone in my hospital room. You gave me a lot of strength to get through the first night even though it was pretty bad until they gave me a pain med pump. Then I was quiet as a mouse, just every once in a while I would push the button and it would chirp. I made it though the first night very hungry and ready to go home the next morning. I had learned all the things that I needed to do, from having previous surgeries with you. so as soon as I could I ordered breakfast, the real kind not the liquid kind, asked to sit up in a chair, and then after breakfast got up to take a shower, which amazed my nurse who couldn't believe that I wanted a shower. I knew that if I did all these things and went to oral pain meds that my ticket would be issued that day and I would be discharged. I was still in pain but deep down I could tell it wasn't the same kind of pain that I had going into the surgery. That made me reassured that I had made the right decision to have this done.

After I got home that night and everyone was in bed, I could tell you were here with me. It made me cry this time because even though you weren't there physically you were with me watching over me and taking care of me like you always did.

Yesterday your wonderful Mom came over and brought DH and I food for a few days. When we were alone I told her that I felt that you were there with me at the hospital but that when I was being wheeled down to the OR I thought you were gone, only to find that you were there in the room waiting there after scrubbing in. She got tears in her eyes and so did I. We both knew that you were there and guiding the surgeons hands.

My current gyn doc told me that she could tell that I had many previous surgeries but in the areas that I had endo I did not have it previously because the old surgery sites were clean and free of endo. She complimented you on being such an excellent surgeon and keeping me in good shape to have had the boys. Mostly what I had this time was adhesions and there were lots of them. But that is no surprise to either of us. My uterus had a gnarly adhesion that went from there to my ovary and then that was adhered to my rectum. I guess now I know why I had massive leg and back pain. There was some new endo there but you and I had been keeping it at bay for so long that it wasn't that bad. So for that I thank you. I thank you for lots of things, but keeping me comfortable while I had to do a crazy things like trying IVF and then ultimately using donor eggs to get me pregnant. I am sure at times I seemed crazed about having kids but after raising your kids I knew that I had to have some of my own and didn't trust anyone else to care for some precious embryos. I had to get pregnant and experience that so I could say F-you to my crappy ovary. :) I am glad that I took the risk with the donor eggs and now am a Mom. Without your encouragement and understanding I wouldn't have done it. I don't know if you know this but when I was getting wheeled into the OR for an emergency c section you were the only one I wanted to talk to. You told me it would be ok and to try not to freak out. The boys would be ok. And after you came up the next day to see my boys, you were so happy that we both cried. Its makes me very sad that they will not get to know you but I do have photos of you holding them when they were really tiny and the past two Christmas's. I will cherish those forever.

So Dr. C I did it. I made another life changing choice that turned out to be one of the best things that I could have done for myself. I know you were there with me. I appreciate all that you did for me when you were in this life and I am grateful for what you have done for me even with you in another life. You are my great friend, sister, Mom, and role model. I promised my boys that with me feeling better soon and not being in pain that I would become a new lots more energy kind of Mommy. I just want you to know that I didn't just do this for me, I did it for us. So I would have more energy to take care of our kids. When you passed I decided to take on the role of great friend, sister, Mom, and role model to your kids. So now I will have the energy to take care of all of our kids. So thanks for doing what you have done for me here in my physical life and beyond. You are a great friend. I miss you but I know when I need you, you will be there with me and my boys comforting us from beyond. One day we will all be together again and drinking some wonderful wine.

Love,
Christine

Can you believe it?

I'm home! I am doing rather well. Just very sore and tired from being woken up all night long at the hospital to do vitals, inject meds, etc. I'll write more later. Its all good though. At least I what I can remember is.... :)

T minus 29 hours and counting

Tonight I saw Sex and the City movie. Dont worry I wont spoil anything but I will just say that if you are fan of the show then you will love it. I went with my girl Julia and we had a great time and also went to Chevy's for some margaritas. The talk, food, and Margs are just what I needed. I havent felt that giddy in a long time....it must have been the jumbo Marg.

So I chilled out and Spence seemed to settle down. Today DH took my place and starting whigging out. I know he is worried about me but he should be more worried about the dudes. I will be fine although I'm not so sure how the guys are going to handle it. Ian has the stomach flu, which couldnt come a worse time, but seems to be on the mend. Nothing would suck more than having a major abdominal surgery and then having the stomach flu. I dont even want to think about it. It would just be bad. Hopefully the other two dont get it and all remain healthy while Mommy is away.

I have some great photos of the guys but I push a button on my camera and now I cant get my memory card to communicate with the computer. I gotta read the book and figure out what I did but that will have to wait until I have lots of time on my hands. Which is coming up really soon......

Seconday Anxiety

Apparently I am showing some of my anxiety about surgery to Spencer. Poor dude has been acting nuts for the last few days. I guess I have been acting nuts as well. I have been feeling crappy and had a short fuse. He had an even shorter fuse and that mixed with being 2 doesnt make for a nice household. A few days ago I began talking to all of them about how Mommy is going to be gone for a few days and when she gets back she will not feel so great and she wont be able to pick them up for a while. Ian and Ollie just smiled at me. Spencer gave me a look. I dont know how to explain it but it was different than normal. The last two days he has been crying for no reason, sobbing actually, and is inconsolable. I thought that maybe he was getting his molars in, cause Ollie is chewing away and droolling. I gave him some ibuprofen and then tylenol and that didnt seem to do anything. So today when DH came home, I was at my wits end, he was crying along with everyone else, and I suggested that we take him to the pediatrician tomorrow if we can get an appointment. I called the office at 4:25 and they asked if I could be there by 5:15. We were there by 5pm! As soon as he got into the car he was fine and talking and laughing. He clung to me at the peds office for a while and then he became the old silly Spencer that I know. Dr. S checked him out and asked a million questions and the last one was, "which one is the sensitive one in the bunch?" Of course its Spencer. I explained that I was having surgery on Monday and was worried about how the boys would take it with me not being at full capacity. She smiled and said, "he's a Momma's boy, he knows when Momma is upset so he gets upset". Great, I make my kid a basketcase!! She was so nice about it all and told me that his ears look fantastic. Which is great to hear. We talked for a few more minutes and explained that kids pick up on anxiety more than husbands do, her exact words. LOL! So not to worry he wont be scared because of my surgery. I was glad to hear that. She said there was nothing she could do about the Mommy guilt that I was having. :)

I have been kinda irritable and cranky as of late. The main reason is that I dont have all my pain relief meds, which if you read this blog you know that I am a fan of ibuprofen and Aleve with some Vicodin mixed in for good measure. Hopefully after the intitial recovery period I wont need to take them unless I have a headache. At least that's the plan. And I am trying to be positive, which to a lot of people who know me is surprising, but I really can be positive its just more fun to complain. :)

Also I am nervous not knowing what type of surgery is going to be performed whether its a lap or laporotomy. Another reason I am all nervous is because to be honest I dont really know the two doctors very well that are going to be performing it. My old gyn, who I miss dearly, would make me feel so comfortable and I trusted her with my life. The same way she trusted me with her kids lives. So its not the same and I do trust my docs but I still wish it were her doing it. I wish she were still around to hold my hand and tell me everything would be ok. I wish she were around to hear about her 16 year old daughter's first date. It's just so sad. I am very sad. I think this a great part of my anxiety. There is no way to change the situation so I am trying to not think about it but its hard. I know that this is all normal anxiety mixed in with some underlying depression and I shouldnt worry but since its rubbing off on my little snuggle bunny Spencer then I need to chill out. I have been cooking like a mad woman. I need to just put the rest of the uncooked meat in the freezer and let it freeze. Eating MIL's food for a while wont kill me, at least I hope. Tomorrow I am going to have a good day with the boys. We only have 3 more days together as me playing the roll of Crabass Mom. Hopefully Crabass Mom will cease to exist unless provoked in the future. Its the pain, I'm telling you, that makes me crazy.

5 more days

Today I went to St. Mary's for some pre-op testing. Just lots of blood and they gave me some antibacterial wash that I am supposed to use for two days prior to surgery. I dont know what's in it but it smells kinda icky! If that's the worst thing I have to do then I shouldnt complain.

Today was also DH's last day at his old job with the ob/gyns at St. Mary's and we brought the boys by to say "hello". Our last stop was in the NICU. One of my favorite nurses that the boys had, her name is Kelly, was there. We cant hug because of germs but we were so excited to see each other. She was so much fun to have around and always kept me calm when something was going wrong. She is an awesome nurse, anyway I told her that I would be on the floor and hoped she would come down and say "hi" after my surgery. She said she would and would bring the posse of my other favorite nurses. We didnt get to see all of our favs because they werent there so hopefully I will get to see them next week. The most interesting part of stopping by the NICU was that a set of quads had just been born and the Dad was there washing his hands and turned around and just said "WOW!!" when we rolled in. I really dont think he has any idea what has just happened and how much his life is going to change. He was very nice and I gave him my number and told him to call me or have his wife call. He was so cute, all doe eyed. Mom of the quads rolled in on her gurney and I said hello and told her to call me if she had time. Those first days in the NICU can be so scary. Well the whole NICU experience can be scary. Hopefully it isnt too scary for them and that its a short stay.

I've been busy cooking and preparing the house. Tomorrow I am making chicken marsala and a few other things. That is if the boys are in good moods and will not require my undivided attention. I am getting kinda nervous about the surgery because of the boys and how life is gonna change for a while and i wont be around much. I worry mostly about my snuggle bunny Spencer cause he like to snuggle lots with his Mommy. Not sure how Ian and Ollie are gonna react butI hope it isnt too tramautic for them. I know its gonna be hard for me not to be around them but as I get better it will be easier on everyone.

Routine Change

There has been talk of a routine change with the boys while I am recovering from surgery. Now if you read this blog regularly you know that I like the routine we are in and am only open to suggestions from DH. Any changes made by my MIL is not an option. EVER!! I know I might be a little nutty about this but I believe that routine is good and helps the boys know what to expect day after day. I am flexible about times but not about changing naptimes or locations. It just seems silly to me. So early on in the discussion of the possibility of me having surgery the MIL asked if the boys therapy could be moved around to different times. I, of course, said NO. If the therapists want to change therapy times then fine I will accomodate them, its no big deal. But to change because she doesnt want to be here 3 mornings a week so the boys can have therapy is not going to happen. I already warned the therapists that she had been talking about it and if she mentioned it to them or tried to change anything to call me and let me know. I will be here to sign the progress notes so I can stay up on their therapy after the first week of recovery. So thats not up for discussion. The other thing is that she wants to take the boys to her house every afternoon so I can have some "quiet" time. Whatever, I can see through that it a second. But I asked DH if that would be a problem for him and he said it would be because then he would have to cart them home everyday and bring them into the house by himself. Which is a chore, let me tell you. She wants to make dinner every night and eat at her house. So am I being unreasonable? I dont mind if a few times they go to her house but not every day. My fear is that they will expect to go out every day after I have recovered. Plus I want to be able to be around them as much as possible. I am the main caregiver and they arent used to Mom not being around. The MIL has made it very clear that she doesnt want me coming out of my room because the boys will want to be with me. WHAT?? Of course they will want to be with me, I am their Mom. So you can see what I am dealing with. What do you think? Should I allow the routine to be changed? Am I being inflexible?

My fur kids

I took the dogs to the groomer this morning and my beloved Chow is getting a lion's cut. I'm not exactly sure how she is gonna like it or even if I'm gonna like it so I sit here and wait. I hope she does ok with her new cut. She will be cooler, cause that girl has lots and lots of fur. It comes out in clumps and it seems that she never stops shedding in the summer. This cut will take care of that, or at least that's the hope. I hope she doesnt hate me.....I told her before I left that all fur grows back. HA! Romeo, my Portie, is getting completely shaved as well. He is a woolly beast and will feel a lot better. Although I do prefer him to be all crazy looking, he will be much cooler. I will try to post before and after pictures later.

13 days and 14 hours

So the real countdown has begun. I have been thinking on and off about surgery but it didnt really hit me until this morning when I had to make a conscious effort to remember to not take anything with ibuprofen or aleve. I have said before that I live in chronic pain and those two meds are some of my best friends. They keep me sane. Now dont think that I dont have any other pain relief, because I do, its just that the ibuprofen in combination with vicodin kicks endo's ass! V alone doesnt do quite such a good job. But at least I can somewhat function. I think this is by far the worst part of the pre-surgery regime. Now there is the dreaded bowel prep that is coming the day before surgery but it aint that big a deal. I say that now, but it really isnt that bad. Or at least that's what I told DH before he had a colonoscopy a few months back. He wasnt too thrilled about it but luckily everything went fine and he doesnt have to do it again for at least 5 years. Me, on the other hand, am an old pro at the prep the day before surgery. I have done it so many times that I know what the best method of achieving the evacuation will be. I was just lucky that my gyn likes the same method and it doesnt involve drinking a gallon of nasty tasting stuff, just 12 oz of lemony flavored stuff that can be bought at any pharmacy over the counter and the best part is that its CHEAP, less than $2!!! There is nothing worse than having to pay for overly priced laxative that makes you want to barf after chugging down a glass every 20 minutes for hours on end. I put it in the freezer and get it real cold and then use a shot glass and stand over the sink and pretend that I am doing lemon drop shots. It doesnt exactly taste like lemon drop shots but it works. I wonder what would happen if I added a little vodka to it? I am allowed to have clear liquids that day and they didnt say anything about not drinking liquor. Hmmmm.

I have been making meals for the freezer. So if anyone out there has any suggestions for meals to freeze please forward them to me or give a link. I made a mexican lasagna, sloppy joes, meatloaf, and hamburger patties this morning. I also made some banana bread, one is in the freezer and the other wont survive until the morning! For some reason the boys stopped eating nanas and I keep buying them. Oh well, the bread is good and very easy to make. I am going to make some chicken dishes tomorrow and hopefully will have a freezer full of food that can be easily heated up in the oven later when I am recovering. If left to the other option of eating the MIL's food DH and I might lose a lot of weight because her food sucks! DH is all for me freezing ahead of time. He says it was no accident that he was ultra skinny throughout his young life. She makes lasagna and its just gross, but that's a story for another post.

Blah, Blah!!!

Who me??

The other night we were getting the boys into their cribs and Ollie and Spence were already in them when I called for Ian. He was no where in sight and so I went to get him. It was dark in the living room and I turned the corner and he jumped out at me and screamed, "Blah!! Blah!!" It was so funny. He had never tried to scare me before but I am always hiding around corners and then jumping out at him saying the same thing. He was so proud of himself that he scared Mommy. We laughed and laughed. I think I might have created a monster.

2 hours and 35 minutes

Wow I cant say enough about the staff at St. Louis Children's Hospital. They were excellent today. Our ENT doc is awesome. We arrived at 6am and was met by a lady from the registration department and she took us to Same day surgery and checked us in and explained things in detail. Then came our nurses they were great as well. Spence was done before 8am and we arrived home at 9:04am. It was an easy day for us. Spencer faired remarkably well without his MILK. I dont think he even noticed it wasnt around. But when time came in the recovery process that he could have some juice he drank down the whole sippy cup in two gulps!! He wasnt too happy and I think was in a little bit of pain but he got some more pain meds and he was very content. He took a 4 hour nap and has eaten a little bit this afternoon and evening. He amazed me today. He did fine.

The best part of the day was that he didnt have to be intubated or completely sedated. All they use is nitrous oxide aka laughing gas. He was done with his surgery in 10 minutes. I was so worried about an IV and the intubation that I was beaming that it wasnt going to happen. Before they took him to the surgery suite they gave him a little mask that smelled like bubble gum and the nurse anesthesist showed him what to do and he had no problem. It seemed way to easy! But that's a good thing.

As he was being discharged the nurse was going over his restrictions and what dose of tylenol he should receive. He kept asking if we had any questions and both DH and I said, "No." Then I said "I dont mean to sound so casual but this procedure was nothing like the NICU experience and we survived that." The nurse replied, "You got that right!"

Spencer's big day

Tomorrow's the big day for Spencer. I think I am more worried about him than I am for myself in 22 days. Yes, I am counting down the days! I hadnt really thought much about the NICU experience in a while. But I cant help to think about it now. He will be intubated and will be put out for the tubes. That scares me. I suppose all parents feel helpless when their child has a surgerical procedure. I didnt think it would bother me much but it does. I know that he will be fine, or at least that's what I keep telling myself. It's a 10 minute procedure and is routine but he will be away from me for longer. I think the thing that scares me the most is that he wont be able to have any MILK in the morning. He can be quite the drama queen. We leave the house at 5:30am and should be back by late morning early afternoon or at least that's the hope. I just realized that no MILK for Spencer means no Diet Pepsi for me. Man its gonna be rough. I guess DH and I will have to take turns in the hallway away from Spence while we guzzle down a can or two of soda!! OMG! Pray for us! :)

It's time.

June 2nd I am finally going to have the surgery that I was told I needed since I was 25, I am now 39. Yep, thats right, I am having a total hysterectomy. It's time. I am tired. Tired of being in pain all the time, 24/7/366. Its so bittersweet. I wanted my old gyn to do the honor but she is gone. Its been a month now. It still doesnt seem real. I miss her. Tuesday her Mom, her friend S, and myself are going to clean out her room and donate her clothes. I think her husband wants us to take everything out of the room, including furniture, but not exactly sure. Her Mom is upset by this but I told her that we should do whatever he wants eventhough we think its insane. Whatever helps them move on and get some closure I am all for it. Tuesday things will seem real. I really dont want to do this but it needs to be done. Anyway, I saw the ob/gyn that delivered the boys a few weeks ago. She was so comforting during the csection that I thought she would be a good choice. Dr. Mc even remembered that I asked her to do the hyst then. She is very caring and spent over 45 mintues with me going over my history. She isnt Chris but she reminds me of her. She has asked the gyn oncologist to scrub in with her and assist. Now dont think I have cancer, this doc is good at removing things that shouldnt be in places that they are. I have lots of that going on. Just to give you an idea of how messed up things are, my ovary is adhered to my uterus and my colon. Good times! I am glad that she is trying to make this my last surgery to remove the endometrosis and my girly parts. I know that a hyst is not a cure for endo but having my uterus and ovary removed will be a huge help in aleviating my pain. Anything would be better than what I feel right now.

Boys are doing good. Ollie has finally decided that he can clap and wave bye. He is changing so quickly its amazing. Ian is talking more and more. He tries to say "tropical bird" because they show tropical birds in one of his dvds and he loves birds. Its so cute. Spencer is just plain wild. He is talking more and more and really changing quickly. He got a dinosaur that roars and walks. Well, I should say, they got it as birthday present. Spencer has decided that it is his. He is trying to roar like the dinosaur. Yesterday I gave him the choice of which pjs he wanted to wear, robots, spacemen or dinosaurs, what do you think he picked?? The dinosaurs!! Roooarrrr!!! Last week we had a meeting with their therapists and the reports were very good. Everyone is coming along well, they are still a little behind in some areas but are making excellent progress. That is all I can really ask for.

We made it to 2!!!!!

Happy Birthday my big 2 year olds!

Spencer getting ready to destory his cake!


Oliver really enjoying his cake.

Ian, being a big boy, eating his cake with a spoon.

Gremlin

Today Spence went back for a 2 month check with the ENT. Surprise, Surprise, his hearing hasnt improved and he needs tubes. Fine, whatever. Tubes schmoobes. He is scheduled next month. The funny thing is my only concern is that he be first on the surgery schedule for the day. Anyone that has had surgery knows that after midnight there will be no eating or drinking anything or they might turn into a Gremlin. Spence needs his morning cup or he is C.R.A.N.K.Y. We are second on the schedule. Which is acceptable, I guess. :)

The wake

Tonight was the wake of my good friend Chris. I think I have been going non stop since the news on Saturday. I am tired. More numb actually. I still cant believe that I stood next to her casket for over 4 hours accepting condolences from people I had never met. You see, unbeknownst to me, she considered me her surrogate daughter. The logistics boggles the mind because she would have been 13 when all this happened and I dont think the technology of the day would have allowed it. :) Sorry my bad way of attempting a joke. In the obituary I am listed behind her kids as her surrogate daughter. I was overwhelmed by emotion when I was told this on Monday. Her kids cried and I cried and we hugged and lots of "I love you's" were said. That was an emotional day. I stayed the night at her home with her daughter, everyone else went somewhere else. It gave me some much needed privacy to deal with some of her private things that her kids should never see. I would hope that if I passed and my friends knew of something that my kids shouldnt find that they would do what I did. It also gave me time to spend with her spirit in her room. I truly believe that she was there watching me and guiding me on what I needed to do. I felt so much love in there. It was absolutely amazing. After my expedition I felt at peace with her passing. I stopped crying . I knew I had to build myself up to be strong for her kids. And I very strong tonight. But wasnt at peace anymore. The only time I cried, and it wasnt a full blown cry, was when an old professor of mine from my college days said hello to me but used my madien name. I graduated over 14 years ago and he remembered me. It was crazy. Of course I remembered him after he told me who he was and I knew that he looked familiar. I loved his history courses, he had a great dry sense of humor. I guess the reason why I cried was because he reminded me that I was really there in that room with her casket. Now this sounds weird but I feel like I am playing a part in a movie or something and Chris is gonna walk in the door and scream "CUT"! It just doesnt seem real to me. This doesnt seem possible. I am so in denial. But I know its real, I just dont want it to be real. I miss my friend/surrogate mother. She has to come back but I know that she isnt. This fucking sucks!

Heartbroken

I am not even sure what to say. My good friend died last night. I am not really sure what happened but I guess it doesnt matter cause she is gone. I got a call from her daughter around 8pm. I was putting the boys to bed. I am shocked and very sad. I went to her house to be with her kids, I used to be their babysitter. You have heard about her before. I was with them for 14 years, she was my obgyn and my friend. I just cant believe it. All I could tell her kids was that we would get thru this together and I would be there for them for the rest of our lives. She is the reason why I wanted kids. She was also the one who told me that I probably wouldnt be able to have my own children. She supported me through thick and thin, and was probably the most excited when I told her I was pregnant!! She told me that she knew one day I would be a Mom and was proud of me for not giving up.

So my dear friend Chris, I will watch over our kids and take care of them. I miss you terribly and wish you didnt have to leave so soon. Life will defintely not be the same without you. Thank you for being there for me and supporting me when I needed it the most. You are a wonderful woman and the most caring doctor that I had ever met. I hope that you are raising a glass of wine up in heaven with your Dad and Rita. I love you and miss you.

The Invisible Mom

I got this from an email from a friend. I dont know who wrote it but it touched me.


Invisible {mom}

It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the lack of response, the way one of the kids will walk into the room while I'm on the phone and ask to be taken to the store. Inside I'm thinking, 'Can't you see I'm on the phone?' Obviously not; no one can see if I'm on the phone, or cooking, or sweeping the floor, or even standing on my head in the corner, because no one can see me at all. I'm invisible; 'The Invisible Mom.' Some days I am only a pair of hands, nothing more: Can you fix this? Can you tie this? Can you open this?

Some days I'm not a pair of hands; I'm not even a human being. I'm a clock to ask, 'What time is it?' I'm a satellite guide to answer, 'What number is the Disney Channel?' I'm a car to order, 'Right around 5:30, please.' I was certain that these were the hands that once held books and the eyes that studied history and the mind that graduated summa cum laude - but now they had disappeared into the peanut butter, never to be seen again. She's going, she's going, and she's gone!

One night, a group of us were having dinner, celebrating the return of a friend from England . Janice had just gotten back from a fabulous trip, and she was going on and on about the hotel she stayed in. I was sitting there, looking around at the others all put together so well. It was hard not to compare and feel sorry for myself as I looked down at my out-of-style dress; it was the only thing I could find that was clean. My unwashed hair was pulled up in a hair clip and I was afraid I could actually smell peanut butter in it. I was feeling pretty pathetic, when Janice turned to me with a beautifully wrapped package, and said, 'I brought you this.' It was a book on the great cathedrals of Europe . I wasn't exactly sure why she'd given it to me until I read her inscription: 'To Charlotte , with admiration for the greatness of what you are building when no one sees.'

In the days ahead I would read - no, devour - the book. And I would discover what would become for me, four life-changing truths, after which I could pattern my work: No one can say who built the great cathedrals - we have no record of their names. These builders gave their whole lives for a work they would never see finished. They made great sacrifices and expected no credit. The passion of their building was fueled by their faith that the eyes of God saw everything.

A legendary story in the book told of a rich man who came to visit the cathedral while it was being built, and he saw a workman carving a tiny bird on the inside of a beam. He was puzzled and asked the man, 'Why are you spending so much time carving that bird into a beam that will be covered by the roof? No one will ever see it.' And the workman replied, 'Because God sees.'

I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall into place. It was almost as if I heard God whispering to me, 'I see you, Charlotte. I see the sacrifices you make every day, even when no one around you does. No act of kindness you've done, no sequin you've sewn on, no cupcake you've baked, is too small for me to notice and smile over. You are building a great cathedral, but you can't see right now what it will become.'

At times, my invisibility feels like an affliction. But it is not a disease that is erasing my life. It is the cure for the disease of my own self-centeredness. It is the antidote to my strong, stubborn pride... I keep the right perspective when I see myself as a great builder. As one of the people who show up at a job that they will never see finished, to work on something that their name will never be on. The writer of the book went so far as to say that no cathedrals could ever be built in our lifetime because there are so few people willing to sacrifice to that degree.

When I really think about it, I don't want my son to tell the friend he's bringing home from college for Thanksgiving, 'My Mom gets up at 4 in the morning and bakes homemade pies, and then she hand bastes a turkey for three hours and presses all the linens for the table.' That would mean I'd built a shrine or a monument to myself. I just want him to want to come home. And then, if there is anything more to say to his friend, to add, 'you're gonna love it there.'

As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if we're doing it right. And one day, it is very possible that the world will marvel, not only at what we have built, but at the beauty that has been added to the world by the sacrifices of invisible women.
Great Job, MOM!

Share this with all the Invisible Moms you know..... I just did. The Will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.

Emotional Contractor

Two years ago this week I was admitted to the antepartum wing of St. Mary's Hospital. I had been having contractions for over 3 weeks and had been evaluated in the Fetal Eval unit several times. It seemed like I was the girl who cried contraction because everytime I had an eval all was quiet. I felt my first true contraction at the wake of a dear friend in late February. I knew what it was and tried not be to too concerned and did what the phamplet from the maternal fetal practice said to do. I drank some water, laid down, and tried not to freak out. The next day was the funeral and I felt them there to. Things just went downhill after that. I asked to be put on bedrest and was told that things were fine. Ok, I believed my doc, and went on about my business. I started having contractions all the time but not when I showed up for an appointment or at the evaluation unit of the hospital. I was uneasy as how things were going and wanted someone to tell me to stay off my feet and not do anything. I didnt get that. But that's a whole other story.

Anyway, I guess you could say that I was an emotional contractor. When things got stressful I would contract. My bathroom was under construction and things werent going well. The FIL was involved and that always means problems. The MIL was up my ass giving me all sorts of trouble. Finally the new plumbing was going to be put in the bathroom and I was thrilled. Then the other shoe dropped. When the plumber was doing his thing and noticed that the floor had to be completely replaced. It was the beginning of the end. That night I had to stay at the in laws house because the bathroom floor was competely non existent. I was uncomfortable and very cranky and any extended amount of time that I have to spend with that woman makes me crazier and crankier. I had to get up several times that night to pee, like all pregnant women, and everytime, there she was in her house robe asking me if I was ok. For the love of GOD!!! That next morning I knew that I wasnt going into work, I couldnt stay there for fear of commiting homicide, and I couldnt go home cause there was no toliet and the workmen would be there constructing a new floor, so I did what any smart pregnant chick would do and I went to a motel for the day. The clerk gave me a good room with a recliner after I told her that I couldnt go home because of the lack of facilites and needed to sleep.

That afternoon I had an appointment and knew that something was going to happen. I wasnt prepared. My cervix had shortened and they could detect contractions. I was so upset. All this time I had told them that I was having them and it seemed like no one listened. Then bang, I am being told to go over to the hospital right then to be admitted. I cried and cried. I dont know if I was relieved or scared. I didnt want to be stuck in the hospital for the duration of my pregnancy but begrudingly I said ok, I will go but I want to go home first and get some things. I was strongly cautioned not to, I think for fear that I wouldnt return, but I went home, said a very tearful goodbye to my animals, packed up some things to keep me from going insane, and cried.

Stay tuned....

Peep Show

The day my tivo died.

I am so sad. I loved my tivo. It got me through being on bedrest and late night feedings. Today it died. No more tivo. I knew something was wrong a few weeks back when there was a disk error message and its never been the same since. I subscribe to Directv and they no longer sell Tivo brand dvrs, they sell their crappy dvrs. I know this because we have one in the basement and in the living room. In my bedroom, my sad Tivo sits with an error message on it. Its lonely, or maybe I am projecting my feelings onto the Tivo. I dont want a crappy dvr, I want my Tivo back. I think DH is going to buy a new hard drive and try to fix it that way. But who knows how long it will take to get a new hard drive??? I cant help but whine. Its a very sad day. :(

Can you guess what I just bought?

I have many smudges on the new camera lense. Its fine. I probably shouldnt have let the lense cap dangle so little dirty hands wouldnt be attracted to it. Silly Mommy.

Oh on another note, brand spakin new Nine Inch Nails is available on line!!!! I love that the new music was released without any advance notice and promtly crashed the servers so almost no one could download it. Its amazing how so many people wanted it and freaked out when it wouldnt download. I was one of them last night but did get a few songs today. The cool thing about the new NIN cd is that its all instrumental. I love just about anything Trent does but his instrumentals are always my favorites. Today when I was previewing a few new tracks, Ollie turned and looked at me and got this huge smile on his face. He jumped off the couch and came over so he could get a listen. He just kept smiling. I already knew that the boys were big fans of NIN but wasnt sure if they would like this. Anytime we are in the car and they start fussing I put on NIN and they calm down. So if you like NIN go check out the new cd "Ghosts I-IV" its pretty cool. And you can download it for free......Thanks Trent!!!!

White Hairs

Tonight I was going on my weekly milk and bread run to Sam's. The place was pretty deserted and there were only a few check out lanes open. Most people were waiting in lines that were a few people deep and I saw that further down the checkout lanes a lone cashier was waiting on a customer and no one was in line. I started to bee line over there and saw that a group of senior citizen ladies were going there to. They kept stoping and looking in their cart so I went around them. Well that made them mad. "SHE'S going to beat us to the check out lane" hissed the smallest of the three. I made it past them easily and said "Sorry ladies." When I got to the lane and turned around, one of them, the oldest it seemed, flipped me the bird! Yes, you read that right, the nice little white haired old lady gave me the finger!! Of course being a smart ass I said, "Wow you are Fiesty!" I thought there might be a rumble right then and there. The youngest of the white hairs told the one who flipped me off to knock it off. I just started laughing. Gotta love shopping at Sams!

Sisterly thoughts

Last night my sister called to wish me a happy birthday. I was glad that she remembered and I joked that I was one year shy of being "middle aged". Of course, since she is older than me, she told me that 40 is not middle age anymore, middle age starts at 50! I thought that was pretty funny so I am going to go with it. Gotta love her way of thinking.

Oliver's first haircut

Before

During

After

I wasnt really worried about Ollie. He likes to have his hair brushed so I knew he would be alright. DH said that he walked into the shop and hopped up on a waiting room chair and picked up a copy of Field and Stream and started going through it. It was upside down but he didnt care. I totally believe it. That's just the kind of kid Ollie is. I am proud of you Ollie Bear!

Ian's first haircut

Before

During

After


Just like his brother who went before him, Ian surprised me at how good he was at the barber shop. DH said that he didnt cry, he has a little stranger anxiety so I expected the worst, but let Dale the barber do his job. I am proud of you E!

Spencer's first hair cut.

Before

During

After

What a big boy Spence turned out to be. Apparently he warmed right up to Dale, the barber, and sat by himself in the big chair and let him do his work. I couldnt believe it. I thought he would be all over the place and he would come home with chunks of hair missing in weird places. I am so proud of my Spencey J!

Swiffer Man

If only he could really clean the floor! Ian with the swiffer.

Brothers

Rare moment of brotherly togetherness.

Ian and Oliver

Escape Artist No More! HA!

Spencer

Long time no blog.

I know, I know, long time no blog. No one has really been sick and I really dont have an excuse, well maybe I just didnt have anything to write about. I am pretty sure that's the reason.

Spencer went to see the ENT doc at Children's this past Wednesday. He failed a hearing test in December and he was referred to see one for a "mild" loss. I said he had fluid, the tech at the original test said it was more than fluid but not nerve damage. The appointment went well. He had a repeat audiogram and he does indeed have a VERY mild loss. I told the tech that I thought he had fluid, to which she replied, as she looked into his ears, "yes, you are correct." I only knew this because every time we go for a check up with our ped. she says that he has a small amount of fluid in his ears but it has never been infected. We waited forever, almost 2 hours, for the ENT doc, as there was an emergency in another room. When she came in we talked and she checked his ears and of course, as I said earlier, he had some fluid but not enough to make her recommend tubes right away. She was very interested in his continous sniffly nose and now he is on Nasonex for 2 months and then we go back.

Now dont start thinking that I am against tubes. Hell, the boys made it through the NICU, so Spencer can deal with tubes. I do hope that the Nasonex works, cause it kills two birds with one stone, you remember the runny nose that I talked about earlier. But if tubes are in his future then so be it. All I ask is that we are first on the surgery schedule so he doesnt have to go without something to drink all morning long. Let's face it, the boy is a Monster without his morning milk. And of course lets not forget that he is one who throws the best tantrums! But I must mention that the is one of the sweetest in the bunch. Its amazing how different he can be from minute to minute, kinda like a woman with PMS. HA!

Oliver has decided that he doesnt need to sleep all night long anymore. His new wake up time is between 3:30-4 AM. He doesnt want to go back to sleep and is ready for the day. DH and I have other plans. Its so much fun and reminds me of the days when DH and I took turns sleeping and then feeding three little infants. I had really hoped that those days were over but if you have read my blog for a long time you will see a pattern with each boy. Ian did this in late spring and early summer, Spencer did it later summer through late fall. Its just his turn I suppose. I'm not happy about it but hopefully it ends soon.

Ian is signing his little heart out. He signs "more" all the time but sadly most of the time we dont know what he wants more of. He is doing really well with Speech Therapy. I guess you could call him the star performer. I say he's a show off, but the ST likes the other term. Whatever. He is finally getting the last of his teeth in. I am pretty sure that 4 are coming in at once. He doesnt seem to mind.

There is some controversy stirring up with OT and ST. I like our speech therapist but I think she is trying to direct the boys care. The issues she sees with Oliver the occupational therapist doesnt see and she should know because they are sensory issues. I dont see the sensory issues either. I have spoken to the OT and made her aware of what is going on and we are on the same page. Next week she will do a sensory eval. I just dont see anything that the ST is talking about. Oliver gives her a really hard time and doesnt always want to do what she wants him to do, which is how he is with everything else in his life. So to her that means that he has issues. I think he may just not like her. She is very loud and demanding. Our OT is very sweet and gentle. ST was here when OT was last week and she commented on how non demanding OT was with the boys. Maybe thats what her motivation is? I am not sure but in time all will be revealed.

One year blogiversary

Wow its been a whole year that I have been blogging! When I started I had every intention of keeping this about the boys but as the year past it became more and more about me with a little bit of the boys thrown in. So I am going to change the description to read, "My life with triplet boys who were born via donor eggs". The reason I keep hammering in the "donor eggs" part is that I want people who are curious about the process or possibly thinking that they may have to pursue it themselves to know that having a DE child is just like having a child born from their own DNA. There is no shame in using donor eggs and its becomming more and more commonplace for women who wait to have kids, or who have crappy ovaries like I did. From what I have read a lot of women are afraid to talk about it, for fear of being judged or condemned by their religous faith. I find that to be very wrong but I know it happens. I am very open about it and dont really care what others think. I wanted to have kids and now I do. Its just the way it had to be in order for me to become a Mom.

The showdown continues

The sippy cup showdown continues. Well actually I gave up. The boys worked together to make everyone miserable yesterday and I had a headache and couldnt handle any more crying. All I wanted was for them to stop crying. Ian did the best of the three. I dont think he cares one way or another about what kind of cup he has, he just wants his milk. Spence and Ollie dont like change and it was so ugly. Oh well I am going to just try to phase them in rather than them just going cold turkey.

Sippy Cup Showdown

Oh man , its really ugly around here this morning. I dont think anyone has even tried to use the new cups. Spencer, as expected, was very upset this morning so I gave in. Yes I know that I am weak, but remember that I am not a morning person and I just wanted him to stop crying. He was happy but his sneaky brother, Ian, ran off with the cup while I was changing the other two boys, and opened the cup in his bedroom. I was so mad. Everyone cried including me. So I took the old sippy cup away and now I am standing my ground. No more old cups, just new cups, no matter how much they freak out. At least thats what I am going to try to do. Wish me luck.