Seconday Anxiety

Apparently I am showing some of my anxiety about surgery to Spencer. Poor dude has been acting nuts for the last few days. I guess I have been acting nuts as well. I have been feeling crappy and had a short fuse. He had an even shorter fuse and that mixed with being 2 doesnt make for a nice household. A few days ago I began talking to all of them about how Mommy is going to be gone for a few days and when she gets back she will not feel so great and she wont be able to pick them up for a while. Ian and Ollie just smiled at me. Spencer gave me a look. I dont know how to explain it but it was different than normal. The last two days he has been crying for no reason, sobbing actually, and is inconsolable. I thought that maybe he was getting his molars in, cause Ollie is chewing away and droolling. I gave him some ibuprofen and then tylenol and that didnt seem to do anything. So today when DH came home, I was at my wits end, he was crying along with everyone else, and I suggested that we take him to the pediatrician tomorrow if we can get an appointment. I called the office at 4:25 and they asked if I could be there by 5:15. We were there by 5pm! As soon as he got into the car he was fine and talking and laughing. He clung to me at the peds office for a while and then he became the old silly Spencer that I know. Dr. S checked him out and asked a million questions and the last one was, "which one is the sensitive one in the bunch?" Of course its Spencer. I explained that I was having surgery on Monday and was worried about how the boys would take it with me not being at full capacity. She smiled and said, "he's a Momma's boy, he knows when Momma is upset so he gets upset". Great, I make my kid a basketcase!! She was so nice about it all and told me that his ears look fantastic. Which is great to hear. We talked for a few more minutes and explained that kids pick up on anxiety more than husbands do, her exact words. LOL! So not to worry he wont be scared because of my surgery. I was glad to hear that. She said there was nothing she could do about the Mommy guilt that I was having. :)

I have been kinda irritable and cranky as of late. The main reason is that I dont have all my pain relief meds, which if you read this blog you know that I am a fan of ibuprofen and Aleve with some Vicodin mixed in for good measure. Hopefully after the intitial recovery period I wont need to take them unless I have a headache. At least that's the plan. And I am trying to be positive, which to a lot of people who know me is surprising, but I really can be positive its just more fun to complain. :)

Also I am nervous not knowing what type of surgery is going to be performed whether its a lap or laporotomy. Another reason I am all nervous is because to be honest I dont really know the two doctors very well that are going to be performing it. My old gyn, who I miss dearly, would make me feel so comfortable and I trusted her with my life. The same way she trusted me with her kids lives. So its not the same and I do trust my docs but I still wish it were her doing it. I wish she were still around to hold my hand and tell me everything would be ok. I wish she were around to hear about her 16 year old daughter's first date. It's just so sad. I am very sad. I think this a great part of my anxiety. There is no way to change the situation so I am trying to not think about it but its hard. I know that this is all normal anxiety mixed in with some underlying depression and I shouldnt worry but since its rubbing off on my little snuggle bunny Spencer then I need to chill out. I have been cooking like a mad woman. I need to just put the rest of the uncooked meat in the freezer and let it freeze. Eating MIL's food for a while wont kill me, at least I hope. Tomorrow I am going to have a good day with the boys. We only have 3 more days together as me playing the roll of Crabass Mom. Hopefully Crabass Mom will cease to exist unless provoked in the future. Its the pain, I'm telling you, that makes me crazy.