As you already know I had surgery on Monday. You know, the one that you told me to have almost 14 years ago. I had planned on you being there to do the honors, but you left this earth way too soon. But I know that you were there in spirit. I could feel you the night before while I was lying sleepless on my bed. I think you were rubbing my back and trying to let me know that it would be ok. I also felt your presence when I arrived at the hospital. I felt you sitting on my bed watching over the nurses who were getting me prepared for surgery. I know you were there. It was so comforting. As I was being wheeled down to the surgery suite, I didn't feel you. I got scared and thought that maybe I had made the wrong decision. I arrived in the room and you were definitely there waiting for me. You were the last thing that I thought of before I was off to sleep. I was hoping that your replacements could fill your shoes and have the same skilled hands that you had when it came to cleaning out my endo. I woke up about 4 hours later in the recovery room and I was hurting. I was also terrified that I had a laporotomy to remove my uterus and ovary. I saw my doc approach and she was smiling. When she got close enough I could hear her say, "I have very good news for you." I tried to smile but the pain was too great. She went on to say, " you have 4 holes in your belly and a few stitches in your vagina. You know what that means?" I just smiled and said to her in my rough raspy voice, "I LOVE YOU!!" I knew right then and there that you were there guiding the two surgeons hands and that you didn't let the 2nd year resident make too many mistakes when he got his chance to remove some adhesions. I was so happy, in pain but very happy. I could also tell you were around when I was alone in my hospital room. You gave me a lot of strength to get through the first night even though it was pretty bad until they gave me a pain med pump. Then I was quiet as a mouse, just every once in a while I would push the button and it would chirp. I made it though the first night very hungry and ready to go home the next morning. I had learned all the things that I needed to do, from having previous surgeries with you. so as soon as I could I ordered breakfast, the real kind not the liquid kind, asked to sit up in a chair, and then after breakfast got up to take a shower, which amazed my nurse who couldn't believe that I wanted a shower. I knew that if I did all these things and went to oral pain meds that my ticket would be issued that day and I would be discharged. I was still in pain but deep down I could tell it wasn't the same kind of pain that I had going into the surgery. That made me reassured that I had made the right decision to have this done.
After I got home that night and everyone was in bed, I could tell you were here with me. It made me cry this time because even though you weren't there physically you were with me watching over me and taking care of me like you always did.
Yesterday your wonderful Mom came over and brought DH and I food for a few days. When we were alone I told her that I felt that you were there with me at the hospital but that when I was being wheeled down to the OR I thought you were gone, only to find that you were there in the room waiting there after scrubbing in. She got tears in her eyes and so did I. We both knew that you were there and guiding the surgeons hands.
My current gyn doc told me that she could tell that I had many previous surgeries but in the areas that I had endo I did not have it previously because the old surgery sites were clean and free of endo. She complimented you on being such an excellent surgeon and keeping me in good shape to have had the boys. Mostly what I had this time was adhesions and there were lots of them. But that is no surprise to either of us. My uterus had a gnarly adhesion that went from there to my ovary and then that was adhered to my rectum. I guess now I know why I had massive leg and back pain. There was some new endo there but you and I had been keeping it at bay for so long that it wasn't that bad. So for that I thank you. I thank you for lots of things, but keeping me comfortable while I had to do a crazy things like trying IVF and then ultimately using donor eggs to get me pregnant. I am sure at times I seemed crazed about having kids but after raising your kids I knew that I had to have some of my own and didn't trust anyone else to care for some precious embryos. I had to get pregnant and experience that so I could say F-you to my crappy ovary. :) I am glad that I took the risk with the donor eggs and now am a Mom. Without your encouragement and understanding I wouldn't have done it. I don't know if you know this but when I was getting wheeled into the OR for an emergency c section you were the only one I wanted to talk to. You told me it would be ok and to try not to freak out. The boys would be ok. And after you came up the next day to see my boys, you were so happy that we both cried. Its makes me very sad that they will not get to know you but I do have photos of you holding them when they were really tiny and the past two Christmas's. I will cherish those forever.
So Dr. C I did it. I made another life changing choice that turned out to be one of the best things that I could have done for myself. I know you were there with me. I appreciate all that you did for me when you were in this life and I am grateful for what you have done for me even with you in another life. You are my great friend, sister, Mom, and role model. I promised my boys that with me feeling better soon and not being in pain that I would become a new lots more energy kind of Mommy. I just want you to know that I didn't just do this for me, I did it for us. So I would have more energy to take care of our kids. When you passed I decided to take on the role of great friend, sister, Mom, and role model to your kids. So now I will have the energy to take care of all of our kids. So thanks for doing what you have done for me here in my physical life and beyond. You are a great friend. I miss you but I know when I need you, you will be there with me and my boys comforting us from beyond. One day we will all be together again and drinking some wonderful wine.