Reasons why....

I created this blog to share how I feel about my boys. I was unable to ovulate due to POF, premature ovarian failure. POF is the worst diagnosis when dealing with infertility. It just means that I couldn't produce enough or good enough eggs to have a baby. The first time I heard the diagnosis thrown out I was furious!! I was 35 years old and desperately wanted to have a baby. I switched doctors because of it. I was not happy. I felt like a failure. My body had robbed me of being a mother. My body had also revolted against me and made me feel physical pain daily. I have stage IV endometriosis. It sucks. Plain and simple.

I have dealt with endo since the onset of menstruation. I am pretty sure my Mom also had it. It got increasingly worse as I got older and 800mg of ibuprofen every 4 hours didn't cut it anymore I knew that it wasn't normal. I found a wonderful doctor who did an exam and told me that I probably did have it. Back in 1997 I had my first of 7 surgeries and it was officially diagnosed. A few months later I had my right ovary removed and a bowel resection plus 1 year of Lupron. Nothing helped. I started getting infections and in and out of the hospital. My wonderful doctor told me that I would probably never get pregnant. I didn't want to believe her so I didn't. I wasn't married at the time and wasn't looking to be a single mother so the point was moot. I was determined that I would get pregnant against all odds. I still had one mangled ovary and it was working because it hurt all the time.

In 2000 I got married. Six months later I was off Depo Provera and we started trying. Nothing happened. Clomid was tried for a few months but that made my pelvis scream with pain. I tried another surgery which was my last in 2002. Things hadn't changed much and were probably a little worse. I had to endure no matter how many pain pills I was taking a day to just function. DH switched jobs in November of 2003. I was reading through the insurance information and I noticed that IVF was covered because I live in a mandated state. I was thrilled. We tried 3 times. Never got to retrieval, just failure. I was furious and hated my body.

I started seeing stories on women who donated their eggs. I asked DH if that was something he would be ok with and he said that he was good as long as I was. I wasn't sure. I was so angry with the cards that I was dealt that I had to do a lot of soul searching. Finally I decided that it would be ok to do because if we adopted a child it would not be genetically linked to me and that was ok. I really wanted the experience of being pregnant and knowing that my child was damaged by outside forces other than me. It's kind of a control thing, I guess. So I made an appointment with a new RE, Reproductive Endocrinologist, and he agreed that was my best chance. I had really had enough of my ovary not producing anything but pain. I sent off $85 to an agency and they sent me 7 potential donors. DH and I picked three and out of those my RE picked our second choice based on her genetics. I wasn't really worried if the donor looked a lot like me but I wanted her to be smart and have a good head on her shoulders. I was also looking for someone that I thought I had something in common with and could be friends with. It was a strictly anonymous. I have 2 photos of her, her hand written 20 page profile, and her psychological evaluation. Her psych eval was the most telling about her. I knew then that she was the perfect candidate. I am pretty sure I figured out her first name because it was blacked out like a classified document. So I will call her Amy. I am not going to give details of her life because of our anonymity agreement. I will never meet her, never hear her voice, or see her up close. It bothered me at first but now I see her in my boys. They look like her. Wait I am getting ahead of myself......

October of 2005 as I shadowed her cycle I really didn't believe that it would work. It was so expensive and a relatively new thing using donor eggs. I worried about her. Called my RE's office when I knew that she had appointments to make sure that she was ok. I know how hard it is to be a human pin cushion. I cant imagine doing it for someone that you don't know. Yes she was getting an honorarium (Federal law states that human ovum can not be sold), but its a lot of hard work and is painful. I worried that her young ovaries wouldn't produce. I worried that my uterus wouldn't accept them and I would get a BFN (big fat negative). It got closer and closer and I was a mess. I cant imagine how she handled it. She produced 9 eggs, not a huge crop but its quality not quantity. Out of those 3 fertilized right and grew into 8 perfect cells.

The day of the transfer was filled with anxiety. I was upset that we didn't have more to freeze if it didn't work and we were out of money and I had no more patience for this. DH was confident. The RE didn't want to transfer all three but we insisted on it. Surely, they all wouldn't take. The transfer was very hard on me. My lovely cervix didn't want to let the catheter through and it took over an hour to get them in. It was very uncomfortable. I was ok, but very scared of failure. 9 days later I peed on a stick (pregnancy test) and that was the first time I had ever gotten a BFP!!! The next day I had a beta level drawn. I was at work and sick with worry the whole day. Maybe the stick test was wrong. I must be crazy.

The call came in at 3:03pm. I was sitting at my desk at work and I saw the RE's number pop up. I hesitantly answered. The nurse said she had some news but wanted to make sure that I was sitting down. I thought it was all a lie..... She told me that my beta level was a 162. I had no idea what that meant because I had never gotten this far before. She hesitated and said that she thought that there was more than one in there!!!! I was thrilled. I was trying not to scream. I am pretty sure I cried. Two days later the number almost tripled, it was 452. The nurse was sure that there was more than one.

I went in for an ultrasound a week later. There were three sacs but only two had fetal pull in them. So we thought, twins great, no more trying for kids. A week later we went back and all three sacs had fetal pull and heartbeats!!! I was elated and then really scared. The fun was just beginning.