The wake

Tonight was the wake of my good friend Chris. I think I have been going non stop since the news on Saturday. I am tired. More numb actually. I still cant believe that I stood next to her casket for over 4 hours accepting condolences from people I had never met. You see, unbeknownst to me, she considered me her surrogate daughter. The logistics boggles the mind because she would have been 13 when all this happened and I dont think the technology of the day would have allowed it. :) Sorry my bad way of attempting a joke. In the obituary I am listed behind her kids as her surrogate daughter. I was overwhelmed by emotion when I was told this on Monday. Her kids cried and I cried and we hugged and lots of "I love you's" were said. That was an emotional day. I stayed the night at her home with her daughter, everyone else went somewhere else. It gave me some much needed privacy to deal with some of her private things that her kids should never see. I would hope that if I passed and my friends knew of something that my kids shouldnt find that they would do what I did. It also gave me time to spend with her spirit in her room. I truly believe that she was there watching me and guiding me on what I needed to do. I felt so much love in there. It was absolutely amazing. After my expedition I felt at peace with her passing. I stopped crying . I knew I had to build myself up to be strong for her kids. And I very strong tonight. But wasnt at peace anymore. The only time I cried, and it wasnt a full blown cry, was when an old professor of mine from my college days said hello to me but used my madien name. I graduated over 14 years ago and he remembered me. It was crazy. Of course I remembered him after he told me who he was and I knew that he looked familiar. I loved his history courses, he had a great dry sense of humor. I guess the reason why I cried was because he reminded me that I was really there in that room with her casket. Now this sounds weird but I feel like I am playing a part in a movie or something and Chris is gonna walk in the door and scream "CUT"! It just doesnt seem real to me. This doesnt seem possible. I am so in denial. But I know its real, I just dont want it to be real. I miss my friend/surrogate mother. She has to come back but I know that she isnt. This fucking sucks!