I'm back.....

It was great to have a weekend to myself. It was busy and there was lots of fun and shopping but I was ready to come home on Sunday. I missed all the boys. I hear that Ian went from room to room saying "Momma" for two days and gave Dad a hard time. No surprise there. Ollie and Spence seemed to be ok without me. Everyone was thrilled to see me when I walked in the door. To my surprise Ian was standing up next to his exersaucer. Thats something he has never done before but continues to showoff. Ollie got all excited and screached and did the happy dance. Spence just kinda looked at me and smiled and make Ewok noises at me as usual. Later he wanted some snuggly time and he went to sleep in my arms.

I bought lots of stuff for the boys playroom that is under construction. A cool tunnel and an igloo tent, a table and chairs from Ikea, and some other stuff. Nothing too exciting.

As for the drive up, it was a pretty quiet one. The boys got me up at 4:30am that morning and by the time I got in the car at 2pm I had a migraine and was tired. I drank a frappucino and ate something and went on my way up I55 to Chicago. On the way home I was a lot more lively and sped like a demon across the wonderfully flat state of Illinois, mostly doing 80 mph, and getting passed like I was doing 20 mph. It was crazy.

Everyone has seemed to recover and we are back into our normal routine.......

Vacation all I ever wanted....

Friday I get a much deserved break and am going to see a friend in Chicago. I cant wait!! I am looking forward to hanging out but the thing I am most looking forward to is the drive ALONE!!!Four glorious hours all by myself. No crying, whining, poopy diapers, no fighting, or saying "NO!!". If I want to eat I can sit and eat and dont have to get up for any reason other than to pay the check and leave. Oh it sounds so wonderful. Then when Sunday rolls around I get to drive back alone in my Jeep. I can blast music or sit in silence, who knows but it will be nice. Then its back to reality. Hopefully DH will survive. He has never been on his own with the boys for more than an evening. He got his weekend "fishing" with the boys last weekend but ended up being sick and sleeping in a hammock all weekend. Sounds like heaven to me to sleep without having to get up with the boys. He was not so amused and is very disappointed that he drove for hours to get to the lake and then to get sick and not enjoy it. Oh well at least he got away.....

Teething Monsters

I am totally exhausted. You are probably thinking then why is she writing this and not sleeping, well its cause I had too much Dr. Pepper and now am wired. The boys are teething. Not a big surprise, its just very trying on dear old Mom. I am sure they arent too keen either. The problem is that Ian wont go to sleep at night without me snuggling him into submission. Its been going on for about a week. I am so tired of him being up past 10pm. His bedtime is 8 on the dot and always has been. I am not sure if he is acting crazy because he is teething, or because he is very moblie and crawling all over everything, or is having a growth spurt. Whatever the cause its making me nuts!! He has also started with separation anxiety and I cant even walk out of the room without him freaking out. I am just thankful that the other two could care less if I were in the room.

I have considered buying a baby sleep book but am thinking that I will lose sleep trying to read it cause I can only read when they are in bed. Does anyone know of any good solid books that can help me quickly? I dont think most of the books I have seen apply to mulitples and seem to be unrealistic when it comes to dealing with sleep issues. Could it just be because he is teething or am I doomed forever??? Are the other two going to do the same thing and then no one will sleep again?

Come on top teeth push your way through those swollen gums and give me a break!!

The Great Baby Race

The Great Baby Race July 2006

The boys made it to their first birthday!! I had no doubt they would, well sometimes in the beginning I did, and it was fun. We went to Grandma's house for Easter and she had presents for the boys. They didnt really know what to do except to chew on the huge ribbons from the packages. Then off to a friends house to celebrate with some honorary Aunties and Uncles. I used to be a nanny for the family and spent most of my 20's and early 30's with them. All five kids were there and it was so much fun. They love the boys and it was great to see them having fun with them. They are such great kids and young adults.

Monday we all went to the NICU to see our beloved nurses. The boys brought them cupcakes in honor of the birthday. They also wore onesies that had their letter on them. Ian was "A", Spencer was "B" and Oliver was "C". They also had their time of birth on the back of their onesies. The nurses really got a kick out of it!! I did it for them. For those who dont know what I am talking about when there are mulitiples they are known as Baby A, B, or C. Depending on how many there are. You get the picture. Anyway I was so happy to see them, and they were thrilled to see the boys. I really do miss those wonderful ladies. When we were there I mentioned that I would love to come in and talk to Moms that are stressed about their babies and what is going on in the NICU. One of them mentioned that there was a Mom there right now that was freaking out because her son has BPD and is about to be discharged on a monitor and O2. They wanted to show her Oliver, who had serious issues with BPD, so she could see that babies do survive and grow up like other kids. I immediately said to bring her over! She was so sweet and asked tons of questions and then asked if I wanted to meet her son, which of course I did. Her sister and Mom were there as well and had many questions which I answered and I gave her my phone number. We live in neighboring towns. Later the next day DH called and said that he had lunch with the Nurse Manager of the NICU and she thought it would be a great idea to start a support group in the NICU because they didnt have one. So I am on it!! It's not that the nurses didnt give me tons of encouragement and support but it would have been much different hearing from another Mom who's child had the same issues. So I am excited.

The Great Baby Race April 2007

Thursday the boys had their one year check up, immunizations, and blood draw. They, of course, didnt like the shots, but did amazingly well with the blood draw. The only one that fussed was Ian and it was because Daddy was holding him tight and he wanted to be free!!


So we had a very busy week and I am sure someone is going to come down with a cold soon..........

The results are in.....

Tuesday went better than I could have expected. The boys are really coming along. Ian is now 20 pounds 10 oz. He was 2 pounds 2 ounces at birth. Spencer is 18 pounds 15 oz. He was 2 pounds 14 oz. at birth. Oliver now weighs 16 pounds 10 oz!!! He was 2 pounds 3 oz at birth. The Neo was pleased with their weights, lungs, and development. No more Pulmicort!! No more meds of any kind. She complimented DH and I on keeping them out of the hospital since they left the NICU. It was nice to hear. I told her that she was the one who I listened to eventhough she didnt think I heard what she was saying. We had lots of problems with communication in the NICU. I also told her that I was very pleased at the way she took care of the boys and of course how she treated DH and me even if I was kicking and screaming the whole time. I was such a pain in the ass in the NICU when things werent going well. I just wanted the best care that my boys could get so they would survive to see their first birthday and beyond. Well they made it, well almost, its not Sunday just yet! :)

I am so in awe of the past year. It seems just like it was yesterday that they forced their way into this world 13 weeks too early. I was so unprepared for the feelings that I would have for them. I was so worried that I wouldnt love them as much as I would a genetically related child. How WRONG I was. I dont think I could love them any more than I already do.

One year check up with the Neonatologist.......

Tomorrow the boys are going for their one year check up with the Neonatologist. I am always aprehensive when it comes to taking them to the doctor, especially her. She is a great doc but we have had our problems in the NICU and beyond. Last time we saw her was right after Thanksgiving. The visit was good and there were no lectures just nice words of praise for DH and me. Which is great but this visit will be a little different. Ian is doing fine no developmental problems at all. Spencer has a 15% delay with his gross motor skills but working in the right direction. He also has some feeding issues that the OT will help us with but we wont see her for a few weeks. Oliver is the one that has always been the slower of the three. Not sure if its because he is the youngest, by a minute, or because he was in the NICU the longest and had the worst problems with BPD. Whatever the case he needs to have OT and PT. The PT said that he has a 38% delay but is showing signs of doing what he is supposed to be doing for his age. OT didnt say what kind of delay he had but said that he would need some therapy. There is a meeting next week to go over who needs what with all the services. So I am a little nervous as to what she will say. I am not really sure why I worry, cause to be honest we arent seeking any services from her hospital and going to the competing hospital that our Ped has priveldges at. And this may be one of the last times that we see her.

I suppose its just part of PTSD surfacing again. Its much better than it was and I am on Zoloft which really helps. Its just the feeling of being helpless again and wanting my boys to be alright. They say that by age 2 all preemies catch up to their peers. I have found many people who refute this statement. I know there isnt much I can do about what affects the boys but it still is hard. I am trying to be informed as much as possible and keeping on top of their problems, such as the myriad of services that just evaluated them. So I guess I am doing all the right things. All I can do is when I see a problem rally the troops and get them the help that they need.

Whatever the is causing my aphrehension at least I get to get out of the house tomorrow and talk to adults!! That's always a good thing. :)

Here is a new pic of the boys all together. Ian is the one on the floor, Ollie is in the chair on the right and Spence is on the left. Dont they look happy......

The shit hit the fan

Yeah so I am a terrible blogger. I havent updated in over a month. Believe me life is crazy with three little teething monsters. Ollie has two teeth and Spencer and Ian have one with the other coming in very slowly. Everyone had a bad cold including me. Having a cold sucks but when taking care of the boys there is no downtime at all. I think that was the week that Oliver decided that he didnt need a nap. Oh it was bad but we lived through it and no one had to go to the doctor or ER so I guess we are lucky.

The boys are officially 11 months old today. But as far as preemies go they are really 8 months old developmentally. This confuses a lot of people. I try to explain it to them but they dont get it. Ian and Spencer are crawling around backwards. Oliver is still just grabbing his feet and rolling from side to side. He wants no part of sitting up so I bought a Bumbo seat. Today was the first day for the seat and he isnt too happy about it but I dont care. He needs to grow up and get with the program. No I am not being harsh. He is just kinda slow at things and needs to be pushed. He was like that in the NICU to. He was the last one there and it seemed like he was never going to come home. All of them are going to be re-evalutated by PT, OT, DT, and Speech Therapy in the next month. I forsee some intervention coming his way. Although he is more verbal than the other two. He will mimick the sounds that I make and talk and talk. Ian and Spence just kinda babble, scream, and growl, which is good to.

The MIL got sick the week before we did. I wouldnt let her come over but since she was taking antibiotics she thought she was safe. I know better. So the FIL came over to "help" which really isnt much help at all. I am very uncomforatable in my own home when they come over. Its like she takes over and I am a kid doing whatever she says. They were going on a cruise to the Mexican Riveria and the night before she came over. By that time I was sick as a dog, and she was quick to point out how awful I looked. Thanks, thanks a lot. Anyway they were gone for a week and a half and it was glorious eventhough we were all sick. So when they returned on Tuesday night they called and I didnt answer or call back. I leave that to DH. He has school on Monday and Tuesday nights. Next morning she calls again. I dont answer because I know she wants to come over and I am not really wanting that. Since I didnt answer she has FIL call DH and they get his voicemail. SO since no one answered then something must be wrong. DH calls a little later and says that they can come over after he gets home from work. He hadnt seen the boys in 3 days because of school and working on projects. I thank him, because I was in no mood for her. He comes home around 4pm and I asked him if he thinks I should leave because I know something bad is going to happen. He says no. I think differently but figure the MIL will behave if her son is here. 5 o'clock rolls around and they are here with dinner. Great fine whatever. She walks in with an arm full of clothes for the boys and says that I look tired. Fine, I am tired, all the time. Then she asks about the boys. I start to give her the rundown on who is still sick and she says, " They got the cold from you because I stayed away." So I say in a very smart ass tone, "well you came into the house while you were sick and coughed." She turns around puts her shoes back on and says, "that's it. I am out of here." and walks out. FIL stands there dumbfounded and asks what happened. When I recount the exchange he shakes his head. Next thing you know she starts up her van and peels out of the driveway.

First of all I know that the boys are going to get sick no matter what. I dont blame her for the cold. DH works in a hospital so he brings bugs home all the time. The thing that gets me is that when I ask her to wash her hands before she picks up the boys she gets offended. In fact on my birthday we took the boys to her house and when I reminded her to wash her hands she asked if there was something that I was worried about. I told her that its just proper hygiene when handling infants. So you can see where this is going. Second, she is upset that she had to stay away while she was sick and everyone else got to come over without her. Third she is a baby. Fourth, she is upset that I wouldnt let her come over during the day to "help". I am sick and tired of hearing that I need to take a nap or get out of the house. Yes I know but I dont want to do those things so she can play Grandma. And I am stuborn. If I think someone wants me to leave then that makes me suspect that something is going on. Lastly, is that I feel like she undermines whatever I do because the boys are not genetically related to me. Maybe this is my imagination but she has said to me on more than one occassion that maybe I was never meant to be a mother. Thats why I had to go to extremes. WTF!!! DH was part of the problem and we almost had to use donor sperm but she doesnt remember that. I dont really know how to explain it but it just seems like that is the real reason. Like I have no business raising these boys or something. Perhaps she thinks that she could do a better job? Who knows but I know one thing for sure is that she couldnt handle three little hooligans day in day out. She can barely handle them when she is here.

Neither of us have heard from her. I dont think she can hold out much longer because she wants to see the boys. I want an apology. DH wants an apology. She is crazy! I have decided that I dont need them to come over anymore when DH isnt here. I would rather suffer than deal with her infantile ways. Like I dont have enough to deal with. Sheesh!

Thanks President Bush

It's no secret that my MIL drives me crazy. Every Monday and Tuesday night until the middle of March she and the FIL will be here to "help" with the boys. DH has school. I really dread 4pm. I even warn the boys that SHE is coming. Today when I heard her roar up the driveway I turned on the dvr and played the Teletubbies because I wanted to drive her crazy. She doesnt really like Baby Einstein either but she is used to it so I wanted something new to aggravate her. Which in turn aggravates me more. What are Teletubbies? Where do they come from? What are they saying? Blah, blah, blah. After a while I ignore her questions. My other favorite question that she asks whenever there is a locomotive shown in B.E. "is that Thomas?" Please before you take issue with me being irritated with her she is an educated woman. She has a masters in special education, was a principal for many years, and retired from teaching 5th grade a few years ago. So she is not stupid, quite the contrary. But the most rudimentary things that seem like a no brainer to me she finds difficult. I dont really know how to explain it.

It's also the way she acts around the boys. If someone makes a noise then she has to make some comment. I talk to them all day long and hold conversations with them so its not like they arent spoken to. She has the way about her that makes me cringe. She thinks she knows better than me about my kids. Tonight Oliver didnt want to eat. FIL was holding him and he kept crying, but he didnt do anything different to make him stop. So finally I just took him and cuddled him, gave him some tylenol, and put him in his exersaucer. He had been clamping down on the nipple of the bottle which is a clear indication to me that he is teething. As soon as I leave the room, she tells Oliver that she knows he is hungry. I say fine, and give her back the bottle and he does the same thing. I put the bottle away. 15 mintues later she says to Oliver that she knows that he is hungry but since I took his bottle is out of luck. Why say things like that?? He didnt want his bottle, he wanted to be cuddled and held, not force fed. Give me a break. This went on for 2.5 hours. I didnt give in. The boys are on a schedule and we stick to it as best as we can so that they will not have the nighttime routine altered. When things arent done that way it gets ugly. Before you call me a control freak, dont. I am just trying to keep order in my house and its hard with three babies. It works for us. They dont have a set time to get up in the morning or take a nap but at 8pm its time for bed because Mommy needs a break!!

And of course the State of the Union address was on and I cant stand our President. I do support sending more troops to Iraq because we cant leave the country that we illegally invaded for a civil war to break out between the Shites and Sunnis. I dont however agree with his stance on the stem cell issue, and many more things. I think he is an idiot and has surrounded himself with idiots and I cant wait for the new election. I was very happy that they high tailed it out of here when it came on for fear of a political confrontation. They both voted for Bush and we dont see eye to eye on most issues. So thanks DUBYA for getting them out of my hair early tonight. I owe you one....

Barking like a Seal and the Domino Theory

Oh say it isnt so. Number 3, also known as Ollie was wheezing. It's pretty normal for him he does it everyday. I give him Pulmicort and it dissipates. Well this morning it didnt. It got better for a while but when he was taking a nap I could hear him wheezing via the monitor. I knew it was bad. So I went in to check him and he was fully awake. I got him up and he was very happy and smiley. I thought that was strange if he was wheezing so much then the barking started. Shit!! I knew that this was beyond my capability at home. I called the pediatrician and said those code words of " I have a ex-27 weeker who is wheezing, barking like a seal and his chest is contracting more than normal." Out the door we went.

He received some Albuterol in the office and I thought he was better. But the ped we saw didnt think so. So off to the ER we went. Oh how I loathe the ER. I used to work in the hospital that we went to so I called around to see if anyone I knew was around. Apparently there was a sick out or a lot of people playing hooky today. So I sat us next to the fish tank. Ollie loved watching the fish and fell asleep. At this point there is no wheezing going on. An hour and half later we were called back. He was so wiggly and happy that it was hard to imagine him barking like a seal. He received some dexamethasone and had two chest x-rays. He was given the official diagnosis of Croup. The attending that came to talk to me was so good looking that I all I could do was smile and nod to keep from throwing him down on the gurney and having my way with him. I am a married woman for Pete's sake. Maybe I dont get out much anymore? Or maybe I was so grateful to hear that he didnt have to be admitted and we only spoke the word "ventilator" in the past tense. Who knows. That's really not like me. Or maybe I need to get out more with my "hunk" magnet Oliver.

The first domino has fallen I am just waiting for the others to topple.......

Reasons why....

I created this blog to share how I feel about my boys. I was unable to ovulate due to POF, premature ovarian failure. POF is the worst diagnosis when dealing with infertility. It just means that I couldn't produce enough or good enough eggs to have a baby. The first time I heard the diagnosis thrown out I was furious!! I was 35 years old and desperately wanted to have a baby. I switched doctors because of it. I was not happy. I felt like a failure. My body had robbed me of being a mother. My body had also revolted against me and made me feel physical pain daily. I have stage IV endometriosis. It sucks. Plain and simple.

I have dealt with endo since the onset of menstruation. I am pretty sure my Mom also had it. It got increasingly worse as I got older and 800mg of ibuprofen every 4 hours didn't cut it anymore I knew that it wasn't normal. I found a wonderful doctor who did an exam and told me that I probably did have it. Back in 1997 I had my first of 7 surgeries and it was officially diagnosed. A few months later I had my right ovary removed and a bowel resection plus 1 year of Lupron. Nothing helped. I started getting infections and in and out of the hospital. My wonderful doctor told me that I would probably never get pregnant. I didn't want to believe her so I didn't. I wasn't married at the time and wasn't looking to be a single mother so the point was moot. I was determined that I would get pregnant against all odds. I still had one mangled ovary and it was working because it hurt all the time.

In 2000 I got married. Six months later I was off Depo Provera and we started trying. Nothing happened. Clomid was tried for a few months but that made my pelvis scream with pain. I tried another surgery which was my last in 2002. Things hadn't changed much and were probably a little worse. I had to endure no matter how many pain pills I was taking a day to just function. DH switched jobs in November of 2003. I was reading through the insurance information and I noticed that IVF was covered because I live in a mandated state. I was thrilled. We tried 3 times. Never got to retrieval, just failure. I was furious and hated my body.

I started seeing stories on women who donated their eggs. I asked DH if that was something he would be ok with and he said that he was good as long as I was. I wasn't sure. I was so angry with the cards that I was dealt that I had to do a lot of soul searching. Finally I decided that it would be ok to do because if we adopted a child it would not be genetically linked to me and that was ok. I really wanted the experience of being pregnant and knowing that my child was damaged by outside forces other than me. It's kind of a control thing, I guess. So I made an appointment with a new RE, Reproductive Endocrinologist, and he agreed that was my best chance. I had really had enough of my ovary not producing anything but pain. I sent off $85 to an agency and they sent me 7 potential donors. DH and I picked three and out of those my RE picked our second choice based on her genetics. I wasn't really worried if the donor looked a lot like me but I wanted her to be smart and have a good head on her shoulders. I was also looking for someone that I thought I had something in common with and could be friends with. It was a strictly anonymous. I have 2 photos of her, her hand written 20 page profile, and her psychological evaluation. Her psych eval was the most telling about her. I knew then that she was the perfect candidate. I am pretty sure I figured out her first name because it was blacked out like a classified document. So I will call her Amy. I am not going to give details of her life because of our anonymity agreement. I will never meet her, never hear her voice, or see her up close. It bothered me at first but now I see her in my boys. They look like her. Wait I am getting ahead of myself......

October of 2005 as I shadowed her cycle I really didn't believe that it would work. It was so expensive and a relatively new thing using donor eggs. I worried about her. Called my RE's office when I knew that she had appointments to make sure that she was ok. I know how hard it is to be a human pin cushion. I cant imagine doing it for someone that you don't know. Yes she was getting an honorarium (Federal law states that human ovum can not be sold), but its a lot of hard work and is painful. I worried that her young ovaries wouldn't produce. I worried that my uterus wouldn't accept them and I would get a BFN (big fat negative). It got closer and closer and I was a mess. I cant imagine how she handled it. She produced 9 eggs, not a huge crop but its quality not quantity. Out of those 3 fertilized right and grew into 8 perfect cells.

The day of the transfer was filled with anxiety. I was upset that we didn't have more to freeze if it didn't work and we were out of money and I had no more patience for this. DH was confident. The RE didn't want to transfer all three but we insisted on it. Surely, they all wouldn't take. The transfer was very hard on me. My lovely cervix didn't want to let the catheter through and it took over an hour to get them in. It was very uncomfortable. I was ok, but very scared of failure. 9 days later I peed on a stick (pregnancy test) and that was the first time I had ever gotten a BFP!!! The next day I had a beta level drawn. I was at work and sick with worry the whole day. Maybe the stick test was wrong. I must be crazy.

The call came in at 3:03pm. I was sitting at my desk at work and I saw the RE's number pop up. I hesitantly answered. The nurse said she had some news but wanted to make sure that I was sitting down. I thought it was all a lie..... She told me that my beta level was a 162. I had no idea what that meant because I had never gotten this far before. She hesitated and said that she thought that there was more than one in there!!!! I was thrilled. I was trying not to scream. I am pretty sure I cried. Two days later the number almost tripled, it was 452. The nurse was sure that there was more than one.

I went in for an ultrasound a week later. There were three sacs but only two had fetal pull in them. So we thought, twins great, no more trying for kids. A week later we went back and all three sacs had fetal pull and heartbeats!!! I was elated and then really scared. The fun was just beginning.